I can’t wait to introduce you to next Guest Star. When it comes to being naturally funny, she and her entire family wrote the book. A lovely lady who’s a burst of energy, always willing to lend a hand. She’s a dear friend to many, and to me since high school.
Without further ado, I’d like to present… (drumroll) … SUSAN!
Kristi: Susan–please tell our readers what you do. (laughing already) Wait til you hear this – you’ll DIE!
Susan: Thank you, that’s so sweet of you! What do I do? Well, as one client puts it, I’m a Professional Wife.
Kristi: Noblest profession in the world: wife and stay at home mom. Now tell them what your kids get into! (snorts) remember the time–
Susan: No, I’m a Professional Wife. Outside the home.
Kristi: What…? I didn’t know that.
Susan: I thought you knew — I guess I forgot to tell you, since you moved overseas.
Kristi: You mean you act like someone’s WIFE (makes air quotes) … for MONEY??
Susan: Why not? I like keeping busy. The hours are flexible, and it pays well.
Kristi: (eyes bulge, throat too parched to speak)
Susan: Why do you look so shocked? There’s a great demand for WIVES (makes air quotes) nowadays.
Kristi: (struggles to remain professional) How brave of you to share such a delicate secret with millions of readers.
Susan: It’s not much of a secret, and definitely not delicate when you hear what I do. Do you really have millions of readers?
Kristi: Maybe… But more importantly, is your husband OK with this?
Susan: Of course! He loves the stories I come home with.
Kristi: He likes to HEAR about it!?
Susan: (laughs) Says he’d love to see me in action!
Kristi: (deep breath) OK. Tell me about your clients, or should I say “Johns”?
Susan: They’re great. Don’t have any Johns, but I had this single guy, Brian, who travelled a lot. I’d do things like pick up his dry cleaning, drive him to the airport, clean his apartment, anything a wife would do. I walked in one day and his place looked like a tornado hit it. I just closed the door, thinking he’d left it like that expecting me to clean it up. Turns out he was robbed. I had to file the police report.
Kristi: So you do odd jobs for your clients, as well? That’s going the extra mile…
Susan: Believe me, they’re all odd jobs.
Kristi: (Determined to tackle the tough questions) For instance?
Susan: I have this working mother, about our age—
Kristi: (knee bumps table, spills coke) You do women too!?!
Susan: (cleaning up coke) Of course! Working women need wives as much as men do.
Kristi: (shocked at Susan’s non challant attitude) This is hot scoop.
Susan: (pities Kristi’s pathetic life if she thinks this is *hot scoop*) Anyway, this woman’s the type that if a flier comes in the mail, even if she doesn’t use it, like Geiko for instance, she has me make a file for it. She’s with Allstate and State Farm, but I still have to make a file for Geiko!!
Kristi: (furiously scribbles down *hot* leads) Geiko – got it.
Susan: She’s a clutter freak, saves everything. I say, ‘I’ll just throw this away for you.’ ‘No’, she says ’let’s make a file.’ She has piles of papers everywhere.
Kristi: (recalls own piles stacked on desk, kitchen table, nightstand, bathroom sink, bed, underwear drawer…) Not everyone’s as organized as you are.
Susan: That drives me crazy. Yesterday I was working with another woman to help de clutter her house. I sorted Legos for 6 hours. Not the big pieces, mind you, but the tiny, itty bitty pieces that make huge pirate ships, airplanes, etc. But I got paid for it.
Kristi: What other skills do you need for this job?
Susan: Skills? I don’t need any skills – how to cut fat off a chicken, maybe. One lady’s kids don’t like the fat so she has me cut it off after I do her grocery shopping. How to buy Christmas presents and decorate their houses. That’s fun.
Kristi: You get to shop?
Susan: I was at the furniture store, for the single guy–Brian–and found him this blue denim couch. I’m describing it to him over the phone, ‘Blue denim, with this stripe on the side…’ He says, ‘OK stop. Is it gay?’ I say, ‘It’s a couch- how can it be gay?!’
Kristi: Even if it were gay you’d think he’d be a little more sensitive to his furniture’s sexual preferences.
Susan: And speaking of which, you know what Brian did to me?
Kristi: (Oh no, here it comes) Please don’t tell me.
Susan: On the checks he pays me with, you know the place where you write what the check is for? He writes, ‘So-so *feminine* favours’ except he didn’t use the word *feminine* if you get my drift…then I have to go hand this to the bank teller to cash it!
Susan: (laughing) Can you believe that joker embarrassing me like that? The least he could do is to say it’s for UNBELIEVABLE *feminine* favours.
Kristi: Exactly—‘So-so’ isn’t a very good reference, and this is your business after all…
Susan: Yes! Wait…What do you mean it’s my business? What’re you talking about?
Kristi: The same thing you’re talking about.
Susan: I was talking about my job.
Kristi: Me too, and believe me, it ain’t easy listening to your stunning fall from grace.
Susan: (confused) Fall from grace?
Kristi: Don’t get your feathers fluffed, I’m trying to be open minded here.
Susan: Open minded? Wait, are you calling me a—
And that, Dear Reader, is where I had to stop the interview. It got pretty nasty — screaming, hair pulling etc. I’ll keep you posted. I’m devastated over fighting with such a dear friend this close to the holidays…
(Oh, and Susan – one more thing– You’re a great sport!!! Thank you for Playing!!!)