Kristi Meets the Rich and Famous

(Reposted In honor of William and Kate’s new status)

I CAN’T WAIT to tell you about the FAB-U-LOUS party I talked my way into in London. I know my blog normally features Ordinary people in out of the ordinary lives, but when you see with whom I’ve been rubbing shoulders you’ll understand why I couldn’t resist…

TAKE A LOOK!!!

That’s what I’m talking about! Woo-Hoo!!

Me and Guillermo Smithico!?! Just hanging out.

Do I look happy or what? I think he must’ve just turned away from the camera here, but we were chatting.

Well, I think I did most of the talking but he is every bit as funny in person as he is on camera.

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Who out there can tell me who this hunk is? Like EVERYONE can, right?

Georgio Clunacius—I call him by his Roman name. (sound of Kristi’s annoyingly high pitched giggle)

Kristi’s Husband (poking his head over her shoulder as she types): It looks like he wants you to let go of his arm.

Kristi: He does not! He was just stunned because I planted a big kiss on his cheek. He was speechless. You can see he’s breaking into a smile.

Kristi’s Husband (who will not leave her alone to finish this blog): Where did you say you were again? I just can’t believe you met all these people.

Kristi: I most certainly did. Pictures don’t lie.

Kristi’s Husband:    Maybe the pictures don’t but…

Kristi: (sizzling sound, as Kristi’s glare scorches husband’s brow)

Kristi’s Husband:   They let you hang all over them like that?

Kristi: I see what this is about. You’re jealous!

Kristi’s Husband:    No I’m not. I’m thrilled for you, but…something just doesn’t seem right.

Kristi:             We live in London now – stuff like this happens here!!

Kristi’s Husband: Where exactly were you?

Kristi: Near Oxford Street. I saw this huge red dome on top of a building, with a long line out the door. It was hard to get in, but I did! Had to grease their palms, too. But it was worth it!!

Kristi’s Husband:    So, you were in a club?

Kristi:             I’m not sure, but it was very posh.

Kristi’s Husband:    Wasn’t this the middle of the day?

Kristi: Yes. Wish I’d known the dress code, I’d have worn my tiara. Everyone was incredibly gracious. No one said a word about it, or even looked sideways.

Kristi’s Husband:    Who else did you see?

Kristi:             Who DIDN’T I see? Look—who do you think this is?

Kristi’s Husband:    No way! Is that–? And he’s letting you in front of the microphone?

Kristi: Yea, I did that joke about the big mouth frog, remember?

Kristi’s Husband:    No.

Kristi: Neither did I.

Kristi’s Husband:   (on the verge of belief) Must’ve been some open charity event. Wonder why I didn’t read about it…

Kristi: (way too thrilled with herself) I love this one—Me and Captain Picard!

Kristi’s Husband:    Looks like he’s nervous, his face is all sweaty.

Kristi: (snappy) What do you mean?

Kristi’s Husband: (mandatory smile for Snappy-wife mode) Nothing at all, dearest.

Kristi: Well, this man was extremely happy to have me there, helping him. I never realized how frail Ben Kingsley is.

Kristi’s Husband:    Wait a minute! That’s not Ben Kingsley. That’s Mahatma Ghandi.

Kristi: Ghandi? Are you sure?

Kristi’s Husband: Of course I’m sure. Ben Kingsley was the actor who played Ghandi.

Kristi: (even more impressed with herself) I met Ghandi? This is better than I thought!

Kristi’s Husband:    Wha—?! How could you meet Ghandi? He’s been dead for decades.

Kristi: (snappy repeat) I knew it! You’re jealous!

Kristi’s Husband: (trumps Kristi’s Snappy play with his I Am The Champion smirk)   Right. So who else did you meet— the Queen?

Kristi: (hates husband’s I Am The Champion smirk) I’m not sure I want to tell you.

Kristi’s Husband: Good.

Kristi: But if you must know I did take an appropriately sombre photo with the Queen which I’m thinking of having framed for our living room.

Kristi’s Husband: May I inquire as to the name of this establishment where all the high and mighty stand around to have their pictures taken with those such as yourself?

Kristi: I, uh, I can’t recall. Madame something or other, but it was very posh.

Kristi’s Husband:  (smile widens)  Madame Tussauds? The Wax Museum?

Kristi: Damn!

Kristi’s Husband: (peering over Kristi’s shoulder as she types furiously) I’m sorry, what was that you said?

Kristi: (slams keys on computer, “I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU”)

Interview with Robin Cavanaugh

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Robin!!!!

Here’s a woman whose career has enabled her to meet everyone from Beyonce to Sheryl Crow, Sammy Davis Jr. and even Frank Sinatra.

You’re a Sports Fan?

She’s thrown the first pitch at a Houston Astros game, and showed Greg Louganis and the US Olympic diving team around for a week. Oo-la-la!

OK, you’re right, I’m name dropping. I sense your interests run to the eclectic.

So tell me, have you ever been to Transylvania for Halloween, or stayed up all night monitoring the birth of a baby elephant? No? A baby giraffe? I didn’t think so.

What the heck does someone have to do to get all that on their resume? I’m glad you asked!

Kristi: Welcome to How Did You Get There, Robin. Please tell our readers what in blue blazes you do for a living.

Robin: (smiles) Thanks, Kristi. I am a Marketing / PR / Special Events consultant.

Kristi:              How long have you been doing this?

Robin: Essentially since high school, but professionally for 28 years. I worked as a sales rep throughout college, for a Lone Star Beer and Canada Dry distributor in Texas. Later, I joined Canada Dry USA but I was very unhappy. It wasn’t my joy. When Canada Dry sponsored the US Olympic divers at a prelim meet in Austin, I volunteered to go. That week showed me that the entertainment and promotional aspect of marketing was my real talent.

Kristi: (totally impressed) Amazing what glistening bodies will do for a girl.

Robin: (chokes on her water) Sorry!?

Kristi: (totally serious) What do you like most about your work? The half nekkid men?

Robin:  (can’t believe Kristi’s serious) Um, well, I enjoy being part of something special that touches many lives. But I’m an anonymous producer of sorts.  I am a sampler-plate girl. I’d rather be good at several things, than be the best at just one.

Kristi:      (makes air quotes)  Did you get to “sample” any of those Olympic divers?

Robin:             What?

Kristi:             (continues air quotes) They sure are “something special”! Were they some of the “lives you touched”?

Robin:             No!!  I mean–sort of– but not in that way!

Kristi:   (totally bummed)   Guess the job doesn’t have as many “perks” as I thought.

Robin:    (has never seen a “real person” make this many air quotes)    Look, if your questions aren’t more professional I’m going to have to—

Kristi:   (insulted Robin referred to Kristi’s “real personhood” in air quotes her last thought bubble)  What quality, skill, or both do you feel makes you particularly suited to Marketing / PR / Special Events?

Robin:             I learned that I do not think in a linear fashion, so producing complicated projects with many moving parts is one of my specialties.  It’s like cooking a fabulous meal for friends.   You have a lot of pots on the stove at once, but everything is completed and served hot at the right time.  Major projects take a big picture approach, and just like a meal plan, they have different ingredients for each recipe.

Kristi:           Wow. I burn everything.

Robin:             I can tell.

Kristi:              Is this Producing Major Events like a 5 Star Chef philosophy something you have developed on the job or is it innate?

Robin:             The initial instinct is innate, but each experience has prepped me for the next one. For example, one job taught me how to write copy for radio spots; another how to produce TV commercials and even a TV show.   Having learned multiple skills over the years, as well as developing a huge network of friends and resources, has enabled me to raise the money for, produce, market and publicize a new Earth Day Festival in Houston w/in 3 ½ months.  I could not have done this successfully without my prior experiences and the resources gained from those experiences.  Each leads to the next.  I never stop learning.

Kristi:              Where have you worked?

Robin:             I spent 10 years in the beer and soft drink business, plus stints running the marketing for the Houston Zoo, the Houston Public Library’s communication division, and Academy Sports + Outdoors, a major regional sporting goods retailer.  In between these positions I consult—which is what gets me in trouble. I enjoy being self-employed but my clients always try to hire me fulltime.

Kristi: Which of your previous positions particularly stands out?

Robin:             I loved my job heading up advertising and PR for Houston’s Budweiser distributor during my 20s. I made a huge impact on, and even initiated many of Houston’s entertainment events, some of which are traditions still going today.   I’m very proud of that contribution, and gained confidence from the experience, not to mention I was a great date with access tickets to anything and everything! It was fun to be plugged in to “what’s happening” in Houston.

Kristi:              For example?

Robin:             I still have my original demo cassette tape of a then unknown Country and Western performer. It was part of my job to make sure this new guy, whom we at Budweiser had hired for our big July 4^th Concert, got some air play during the 2-3 months before the concert. So I dropped off his tape at one of our biggest C&W radio stations, KIKK. He ended up being so popular nationally that in six months’ time he won Country Music’s Horizon Award, for the year’s best newcomer. His star continued to shine and our Budweiser distributor could no longer touch him locally.  He’s Clint Black.

Kristi:              Clint Black?! Now that’s what I call “something special”! Did you get to “touch—“

Robin:             NO!!

Kristi:              Just asking…

Robin: Another really keen role was working for the Houston Zoo in my 40s. I loved being close to animals, feeding and touching these exotic beauties. I was truly happy. Even though work was a labour of love, I was around nature every day. People enjoyed the zoo.  It was a happy product to promote.

Kristi: And finally, Robin, any life experiences you’d like to share?

Robin:             Use your common sense.  Marketing is not brain surgery.  Most parts of it should come naturally.  Like my PR mentor once explained to me, “PR is just stamps and envelopes.  It is a formula like any other, when you have the right instinct.  How you do anything is how you do everything.  Just do the work.”

Kristi:              Great advice, Robin, and as always, thank you for playing!

© Kristi Thompson 2009

(originally posted September 2009)

Interview with John Locke

Original interview below posted June 2010. By June 2011 John Locke has become the 1st self-published author to sell a million eBooks on Amazon Kindle, and a Best Selling author on the Official Website of New York Times. 

Can I pick ‘em or what??

“If Dean Koontz collaborated with Alfred Hitchcock at the circus, [Saving Rachel] would be their brain child.” –Dusty Mills, Vintage DM Book Reviews

(originally published June 2010)

Today’s Guest Star, author of the fast paced Donovan Creed crime novels, owns up to leading a double life!  Yes, I was shocked, but I refused to accept less than the raw truth…

Kristi: Welcome John Locke, please tell us what you do for a living?

John Locke: When I’m not writing the Donovan Creed novels I’m a private investor.

Kristi: A private investigator who writes crime novels! Shocking!!

(screechy music)

John Locke: Not investigator—investor. I build or buy shopping centers and manage them for my own portfolio.

Kristi: (jaw drops) You buy the entire shopping center!? My husband complains when I buy out one measly shop.

John Locke:  Well… maybe you need to see the bigger picture.

Kristi: That’s exactly what I said when he yelled about my 10 ft ‘Screaming Daffodils’ painting!

(more screechy music)

John Locke: (tries not to imagine daffodil painting, but can’t shake it)

Kristi: What do you like most about being a Private “I”?

John Locke: People think it’s prestigious, but in reality I’m getting big bucks to do what a monkey could do.

Kristi: This monkey – is he for sale?

John Locke: Excuse me?

Kristi: I assume he’ll work for peanuts.

John Locke: What monkey?

Kristi: (winks) Right, our little secret. So what do you think is the key to your brilliant success – other than the monkey?

John Locke: Watch it – I said no monkey business!

Kristi: Oops, my bad. I won’t bring him up again! How about: What skill set or unique abilities do you think have led to your conquering the concrete jungle?

John Locke: (eyes narrow) My ability to instantly recognize a deal as being good or bad.  If only I had the same ability with regard to the interviews I accept.

Kristi: Is this ability instinctive or something you’ve EVOLVED into over time?

John Locke: (shrugs) To be successful in my business you have to make more mistakes than the competition, in a shorter period of time.

Kristi: Hey – I’m good at that!

John Locke: Of course it helps if you actually LEARN from those mistakes…

Kristi: (baffled by last statement, but shakes it off) What did you do before managing your own portfolio?

John Locke: I owned a life insurance company.

Kristi: How did you get into life insurance?

John Locke: I quit college with one week to go before graduation in order to sell insurance door-to-door on straight commission. By age 28 I was one of the top insurance sales people in the world.  By age 35 I bought my own life insurance company and appointed nearly 7,000 agents in 34 states.

Kristi: (whistles) Wow. And now you have written a series of page-turner crime novels – or “Button-pushers”, as new Kindle owners say. Any other memorable experiences?

John Locke: I sang in a rock and roll band for ten years. I became quite adept at dodging ice cubes and the miniature fruit people pulled out of their cocktails and hurled at me.

Kristi: I find miniature fruit dodging is a handy way to practise my fast manoeuvre skills, and reflexes.

John Locke: (embarrassed for Kristi as she re-enactments this) One summer I loaded hundred-pound bags of sugar on pallets in a warehouse until the crew boss went nuts and attacked me with a broken bottle.

Kristi: Really? What else?

John Locke: (finds Kristi’s enthusiasm a tad creepy) I tarred roofs in Louisiana, and did fine until the day I got my shoe stuck on a roof and a crew member attacked me with an axe.  As memorable experiences go, these come to mind.

Kristi: Sounds like the Stanislavsky method of experiencing what your characters experience, only for writers. Say–would you mind teaching me? I’m sure I have an axe or a broken bottle in here…(rummages through handbag)

John Locke: (looks alarmed)

Kristi: While I’m looking for it, how about sharing with our readers your words to live by?

John Locke: Sure: Learn to be nimble on your feet.

Kristi: Found it! (looks around) John? …John?  (Melon balls and pineapple wedges catapult through the air hitting Kristi with deft precision)  There you are! As always, Thank You For Playing!!

© Kristi Thompson 2011

In John Locke’s career journey from rock and roll singer—to door-to-door salesman—to the creation of more than a dozen multimillion dollar companies, he has encountered a wellspring of bizarre people from which to craft his unique characters. He is the author of four fiction books, Lethal People, Lethal Experiment, Saving Rachel and Now & Then – JUST OUT; and two nonfiction books, Dynasty in the Making and Qualities of Character. He lives in Kentucky, where he is currently at work on a novel titled Wish List.

What I’m NOT Doing

Yes, I am away. Gone. There. NOT here.

I do miss you out there in the inter-ether-hairnet. (I’m sure you’re far too young to remember hair nets. I know I am…)

Here are some things I am NOT doing:

1. I am NOT wearing a purple tutu at a hen party in Temple Bar, Dublin.

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2. I am NOT in a museum in Berlin wondering who was nibbling on Cleopatra’s ear.

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3. I’m NOT having a drink with Sean Connery

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or a little chat with Jonathan Ross.

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4. And I’d especially like to dispell the nasty rumour of my being in jail. See? I’m NOT there!!

(Kristi’s Husband: Who took the picture?

Kristi: Shut Up.)

I hope this helps.

Be back soon!

Writing.ie

There’s a NEW KID in writer’s-blog-town:  WRITING.IE!

Inkwell Writers Workshop founder Vanessa O’Loughlin has just launched a brand new website for Irish writing scene, with the most up to date writing tips by best selling Irish authors. I’m very excited to be a contributing writer to this wonderful new site, will keep you posted.

Enough about them, what ABOUT ME: I’ve just been Longlisted (Short Story) for the prestigious Fish Awards, a very big honour!!  They selected less than 10% from ~ 2,000 entries, so I am thrilled.

New Year’s Resolutions

Am I the only one who gets around to her New Year’s Resolutions…in November?

• Exercise like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• Fit into Nicole Kidman’s clothing.
• Read all the Best Novels of all time
• Write a series about a schoolboy and become filthy stinking RICH.

I’m thrilled to say that ALL of my Re-zezzes (that’s the rap word) were actually achieved!! …just not by me.

So, I’m catching up on my podcast listening, and what do I hear??

Making and Keeping Your Goals

60 Second Psych: Christie Nicholson interviews David Allen, best-selling author of Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity, on how to make and keep goals.

A few tips that gave me heart:

• Don’t make a short list. Make 45, or 100 goals, and see which ones stick around. It can be anything from bench pressing more, to feeling happier when you wake up in the morning…
• It’s easier to get there by doing it wrong, than by doing nothing. Standing still takes more energy than going the wrong way and turning around.
• Lighten up!! We almost never achieve our goals, but setting them helps us envision what we want to create. Because as you get 1/2 way there your goal will change.  You have more information than you did before you started, and you may realize THAT over there is what you REALLY want.

The BEST thing to do Right Now? At the end of the year?

1. List what you DID accomplish this past year.

• • No one’s invited me over to move their couch.
  • Nicole Kidman isn’t suing me for wardrobe copyright infringement
  • I’ve supported countless authors… fiscally.
  • My new novel: Bart Simpson-Potter –  is about an orphan, who thanks to being an amazing wizard stays 11 yrs. old for the rest of his life. And he’s yellow.

2. CLEAN HOUSE – tie up the loose ends, toss out what goals didn’t suit, finish up what’s almost there.

3. Set new 51% goals, ones that you’re 51% sure you can reach. Don’t stretch the rubber band too far, or it’ll break.

4. And Most importantly – KEEP SETTING GOALS. It will keep you focused on what you enjoy.

Jon Stewart’s Rally to Restore Sanity closing speech

This is one of the most moving, thought provoking and truthful closing speeches I have ever heard.

For those of you who aren’t US citizens, or US-a-holics – Jon Stewart, of The Daily Show, held a rally in Washington D.C.,  on October 30, 2010 on the White House lawn, for The MIDDLE. Not just the Left, Not just the Right, but everyone.

Some Favourite parts:

• “The country’s 24-hour, political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems, but its existence makes solving them that much harder. The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems, bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen. Or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire, and then perhaps host a week of shows on the dangerous, unexpected flaming ants epidemic. If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.”

• “…the image of Americans that is reflected back to us by our political and media process is false. It is us, through a funhouse mirror–and not the good kind that makes you look slim in the waist, and maybe taller, but the kind where you have a giant forehead, and an ass shaped like a month-old pumpkin, and one eyeball. So why would we work together? Why would you reach across the aisle, to a pumpkin-assed forehead eyeball monster? If the picture of us were true, of course our inability to solve problems would actually be quite sane and reasonable–why would you work with Marxists actively subverting our Constitution, and homophobes who see no one’s humanity but their own?”

• “But this is us. [points to video of traffic merging together to go into a tunnel] Every one of the cars that you see is filled with individuals of strong belief, and principles they hold dear–often principles and beliefs in direct opposition to their fellow travelers’. And yet, these millions of cars must somehow find a way to squeeze, one by one, into a mile-long, 30-foot-wide tunnel, carved underneath a mighty river.’ And they do it, concession by concession: you go, then I’ll go. You go, then I’ll go. You go, then I’ll go. ‘Oh my God–is that an NRA sticker on your car?’ ‘Is that an Obama sticker on your car?’ It’s okay–you go, then I go.”

I’m woman enough to admit I cry at Oprah…but Jon Stewart? Come On!!

Interview with André Girod

Today’s Guest Star is a fascinating man who cannot be confined to four walls. He traveled to Machu Pichu before it was *discovered* by the rest of the world in the  60s, went to China before it became popular, and has lived everywhere from Iowa to Tasmania.

Today I’ll quiz him on the four “W”s: What the heck–? Who traveled to China before Nixon? Were you lost or did you intend to go? And Tasmania? Wasn’t that a cartoon?

Kristi: Welcome André Girod! Would you please tell us what took you all those exciting places?

André Girod: My sense of adventure. But if you mean my career, until retirement I was a professor of Latin, Greek mythology and French history.

Kristi: Really? That was one of my favourite subjects!

Reception of the American class at l'Elysée with Président Miterrand, 1988

André Girod: (grins) Louis XIV, Napoleon, Jeanne d’Arc…?

Kristi: Yes, I know all the Greek gods.

André Girod: (pulls out notepad, marks a large red “X”) I see.

The French American Class remembered

Kristi: (sure she aced it) Where did you teach?

André Girod: The first 15 years all my teaching took place between four walls, with a few windows.

Kristi: Four Walls… That’s a town in Iowa, isn’t it?

André Girod: (marks another large red “X” on notepad) No. But Cedar Rapids is, where I taught at Coe College.

Kristi: Cedar, and rapids- so you taught outside?

André Girod: (beams) Yes, actually, how did you know? I taught in the open for the last 25 years of my career. But not in Cedar Rapids.

Kristi: Right. Lost too many students in the rapids…

André Girod: No. (red “X” on notepad) Cedar fever.

Kristi: Awww, that was my second guess! …So where did you teach?

André Girod: In the early 70s I left conventional teaching to create the French-American Class (La class Franco-Américaine), where my teaching took place between continents, under the open sky!

Kristi: Wait -  Between Continents?  Oh, oh! (raises arm) I know this one! Geology?

André Girod: No. (Slashes large red “X” on notepad) I developed a month long Foreign Exchange program — which was a brand new concept in the early 70s. Especially the way we did it.

Kristi: (raises arm again) Oh! Oh!! You did it in platform shoes, with tightly permed hair, while watching the French Connection!

André Girod: (eyes Kristi’s polyester print shirt, enormous bellbottoms and poodle perm, Marks notepad) No.

Kristi: (stomps her Elton John boots on the floor) Dammit!

André Girod: (slashes two red “Xs”) Cursing in class.

Kristi: (pouts, slumps at desk like bratty teenager)

André Girod: (smiles, hands Kristi sheet with “A+”) Don’t worry, you got bonus points for your outfit.

Kristi: (sits up, beams) You like it? Some things never go out of style.

André Girod: Yes! Thank God for that. (adjusts his thick black sunglasses, pushes up the sleeves on his black turtle neck, and slants his beret)

Kristi: So how were your foreign exchange classes different than the ones we hear of today?

André Girod: Instead of exchanging one student at a time, we exchanged the entire class, for a month.

Kristi: I get hassled for trying to exchange a candy bar I don’t like.

André Girod: Remember, in the early 70s these foreign exchange programs had never been done before.  Especially transporting whole classes of French fifth graders to America to stay in an elementary school, and likewise take American fifth graders to France. Reciprocity between the schools, families and children.

Kristi: Interesting. What did they study?

André Girod: The very first class we organized was during the summer. They learned judo, sailing, swimming, javelin throwing and much more.

Kristi: Can I go?  I’m told I’m very immature for my age.

André Girod: Well… the years after that we only exchanged classes during the winter. Skiing in France was a big hit.

Kristi: Oh, too bad, I’m allergic to snow. Did you prefer running the French American Class to conventional teaching?

André Girod: I did enjoy conventional teaching during the first part of my career, but never enough to stay in the same school for more than 2 years. I had to change my horizons: 2 years in the USA, 2 years in Australia, 2 years in France and so on. This is the only way to refresh your teaching. Then I tired of this continuous change, so I decided to meld the two, by teaching kids about travel and living in a foreign country. This is how I got the idea to start the French American Class, which I ran until I sold it in the late 1990s.

Kristi: What did you do before teaching?

André Girod: I worked for 11 years as a tour guide, in the 50s/60s, traveling with my backpack, which made it easy to create the French American class. I have also been an encyclopedia salesman, a waiter, ski instructor, ski school director…

Kristi: What a wealth of experiences.

André Girod: I have published several books on my experiences: Ilkya, French-American class, Caltecor 5127, Flammes du pere inconnu, to name a few.

Kristi: And what keeps you busy today?

André Girod: Today I host art exhibits on my property. I live in a small village in Southern France, in the Luberon Vaucluse region. I am also the Director of Culture for our city hall in the village of Lauris.

Kristi: Many of your past students have tracked you down to thank you for so many wonderful memories of their experiences in the French-American Class. I’d like to thank you for being such a good sport and sharing your adventures with us. So, as always–  Thank You For Playing!!

Writers: Make-Your-Own-Fairytale Challenge

Haute Couture Fashion Photographer Benjamen Kanarek is challenging all writers to create your own short tale based on the truly fantastical images he and his brilliant production team created for Harper’s Bazaar.

WARNING: These images are not for the weak at kneed or faint of heart. You will be exposed to the likes of Chanel, Lagerfeld, Valentino, Dior and more.

I’m not even going to post one photo here, lest you’re too lazy to click THIS LINK, and behold the wonders which await ye!!!

In their own words:

“Make up your own Tale based on a particular image and we will publish our favourites and link to your blog, website, myspace, photo bucket site, etc. Just send your story to: info@benjaminkanarekblog.com“

Tale of the Unexpected…

Started as an idea to tell a Classic Fairy Tale format Children’s Story, but without the classically known subject matter such as Cinderella, Wizard of Oz, Snow White, Alice in Wonderland etc… They “kind of” look familiar, but aren’t really, as they did not exist until they were created for this production. These individual images or mini synopsis’s each tell a little story of their own and we will leave it up to you the reader to interpret them in your own “Fashion” (pardon the pun).

Katie Fogarty stars in the fabulous, ferociously funny, freaky film “The 7 Tales of Katie in Kinderland” as the wonderfully witty “Wizard of Westergarten” in the County of Cormilligan (Try saying that after a few drinks).

Christmas Extravaganza in Heidelberg

HAPPY HOLIDAYS to each and every one of my How Did You Get There readers!!!

Tradition is the theme this Christmas, which is why I’m here in Heidelberg, Germany.

That’s right–I was at the famous Christmas Market enjoying my Glühwein and Bratwurst, when who do you suppose I ran into?

The THREE LITTLE PIGS – All Grown Up! I used to LOVE them as a kid– and here I thought they were only a fairy tale.

The second and third little pigs, seen here, were thrilled to be recognized, since most people have forgotten all about them– or run screaming, in fear of swine flu.

The first little pig, however, was rather miffed by my lack of sensitivity–and rightly so–they no longer go by Pig, but have changed their name to Hamm (rhymes with Tom). For this I extend my humble apologies, and hope my horrendous faux pas will shine a beacon of political correctness upon all fairy tale creatures…er… folk.

Let’s meet them one by one, and see what’s happened since the big, bad wolf episode.

Kristi:  Welcome, Three Little Pigs–excuse me–Brothers Hamm. Please fill us in on your lives since your traumatic beginning. Let’s start with you, #1.

Johannes Oliver Hamm: As you may recall, Kristi, in my youthful inexperience I chose to build my house from straw.

(snickers from 2^nd and 3^rd Little…er…Hamms)

Johannes Oliver Hamm: Ok, ok– it was the first to get blown down. But my idea inspired the Straw Man from the Wizard of Oz, and thanks to his encouragement, I’m now a professional actor on stage and screen, both television and movies.

Kristi: I bet you’re a real ham on stage. (snort, guffaw)

(dead stare from all three Brothers Hamm.)

Kristi: (still laughing) Sorry, I couldn’t resist…

Brothers Hamm: (continued dead stare…sound of coo-coo clock ticking)

Kristi: (drops smile, rifles through notes) Right. So – #1 What characters do you play?

Johannes Oliver Hamm: I do everything from French cabaret to experimental comedy, but I’m usually cast in uniform– mostly German. I was thrilled when in Paris, where I live, I played a French officer in the TV movie ‘The Hell of Verdun’, and was paid extra to do my own voice-over dubbing for the German translation.

Kristi:  I love French cabaret, though I imagine there aren’t many singing soldier parts.

Johannes Oliver Hamm: Not many, though I just played an 18th century officer courting a lady, serenading her with the lovely Schumann lied, ‘Ständchen’– in the film Bas les Coeurs, still in production.

Kristi: How romantic. What about our Second Little Pig–

(sound of three throats clearing)

Kristi: Uh…Hamm Brother, Christoph. Are you still working with wood? Lob Cabin manufacturer? Or a forest ranger perhaps?

Christoph Hamm: After that house of twigs fiasco I decided to get to the root of the problem. Now I deal in leaves.

Kristi:  Leaves?

Christoph Hamm: Herbs, really. Herbal medicine. I work as an online editor for a German website called Phytodoc.de, which informs people about different types of natural medicine.

Kristi: That’s an interesting twist. How did this come about?

Christoph Hamm: We were raised with herbal, natural and homeopathic medicines, so I got my degree in Food Chemistry.

Kristi: Sounds like you haven’t strayed far from the home.

Christoph Hamm: Yes, actually– I lived in China for 6 months, studying identification and analysis of herbs used in Chinese traditional medicine, and before that I worked in Sri Lanka in the laboratory of a Latex factory, monitoring the process for making natural Latex foam mattresses.

Kristi: Wow–I had no idea my mattress was a natural food!

Christoph Hamm: Uh…

Kristi: And we don’t want to leave out our third little­­—

All Three Brothers: Hamm!!

Kristi: Matthias Hamm, who as I recall, was the one who built your house from bricks and stone. Are you still working with stone?

Matthias Hamm: Yes, as a matter of fact. I’m an architect, with partnerships I’ve created in London and Barcelona.

Kristi:  Sounds like building the best house thing went to your head…

Johannes Oliver Hamm: Yea… (Harrumph)…had to rub it in…

Christoph Hamm:  He’s not satisfied with building one house, either. He’s building loads of them – Modular housing – that can be shipped all over the world.

Kristi: Housing units that can be shipped all over the world?

Matthias Hamm:  Yes, Modular Accommodation Systems. I’ve been invited by New York’s Museum of Modern Art to display a prototype. I also design tents.

Kristi: (bad memories of camping gone wrong) Tents?

Matthias Hamm: Not the kind you think. We set up Textile Architecture to design very elaborate, 5+ Star Mogul Tents, initially for the Maharajah Jodhpur in India. We incorporate beautiful textiles into elegant hotel rooms.

Kristi: You’ve got houses that can be shipped all over the world and 5+ Star tent-hotels. Do you design anything normal?

Matthias Hamm: That’s what SpaceAgent, is for: synagogues, bars, restaurants, shops, houses that stay put…

Kristi: I can tell we’ll need to keep our eyes on these—Brothers Hamm. They’re into a lot more than straw, stick and bricks. As always, Brothers Hamm, Thank You For Playing!